The End, from the start

I've always struggled with two competing views of the world. Are we just floating along hitting all the outposts of a predetermined route, or are we making it up as we go along? I've always felt that certain things in my life were 'set'. OK - I have a sneaky feeling that almost everything that matters in my life is set. I've come to that conclusion because my attempts to overthrow them have come to naught. My uncle Robby, were he still alive, would call that 'farting against thunder' - which was his way of describing any kind of futile action.

Uncle Robby was a weather-beaten seaman, with leather-like skin, deep smile lines and mischievous blue eyes. He once plugged a hole in his boat with his index finger - which was as husky as the rest of him. We were on the high seas fishing for grouper with the engine cut. He sat there with his finger in the hole, and a grin on his face as he weighed his options. I have no doubt that he believed he had many, even at that moment.

I admire people like him for whom life is an ongoing adventure which they have the power to direct or at least affect, but it seems the full fruition of an alternate choice, like a slippery fish, always escapes me. I've been in one or two tight spots in my life and I've started down some roads that I thought would take me elsewhere. That sense of unpredictability - even danger, is heady. I felt very alive even while (in one or two cases) I was facing what looked like death. However, I've always been shunted out of these situations and back into calmer waters. On the positive side, many good things have come effortlessly to me with very little doing. When I sit still, stuff happens. When I plan and try to execute, my Cosmic Partner pirouettes me right back to where I started.

I can get metaphysical - and drive myself crazy trying to figure out if my beliefs about my powerlessness are actually making me experience powerlessness. However, that thought conjures up a vignette of me struggling in quicksand and, did I mention I'm claustrophobic? Besides, every so very often, mostly in the morning as I open my eyes, the realization of the inescapable bottom line washes over me. So, what I do mostly is watch the show. I often say to myself (especially when I'm in one of  the above-mentioned tight spots) 'I want to see how this turns out'. But actually, I already know.

 

Photos: 

Top: Self-portrait 2009

Bottom: Le Modele Rouge by René Magritte.